Saturday, February 11, 2012

If you aren’t part of the solution...

“If you aren’t part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” This is an expression that a friend shared with me many years ago, which I have incorporated into my existence. I heard someone else say it this morning, and I started thinking a little deeper about what it means.

In my last post, I talked about standing up for yourself. This is along the same lines, except maybe in an opposite way. We find so many people complaining about things they aren’t happy about, things they are angry about, things they are afraid of. You name it. I’m not talking about expressing a legitimate grievance. I’m talking about the griping, whining and moaning we do when things don’t go the way we want them to. Most of us don’t have to dig very deep to find something to complain about. Some are better at it than others. Some feel like their life has no meaning unless they have something to complain about!

But have you ever thought about what complaining accomplishes? It’s like putting gasoline on a fire, feeding it, and allowing it to grow even more out of control. Like gossip, it spreads like a virus, attaching to and exasperating anyone who might be inclined to embrace the sentiment, and annoying everyone else who doesn’t.

Thinking about this, it makes sense not to complain. If it isn’t helping resolve the situation, what good does it do to complain? I guess a good question to ask yourself or someone else when they complain is, “Okay, if you don’t like it, what are you doing to make it better?” If there isn’t a good, positive answer, then it’s probably time to think of a new strategy.

Someone else I know has a friend who posts lots of information about abandoned and abused animals. Lots and lots of information, unsolicited. My friend observed how little it accomplishes, and how annoying it can be. This developed into a conversation where another person wondered how people would know that these injustices were happening unless someone told them about it. Another person observed that it glamorizes it, in a way. It gives the abuser unexpected attention – a reward, in a way – which encourages them to continue doing it. Good points. All of them.

But what are any of these people doing to actually make the situation better? Complaining, or aggrandizing a negative situation, exacerbates the anger in the person who is upset. Without offering a solution, it only serves to strengthen the frustration it is meant to address. It then upsets other people, many or most of whom have no control over the situation. How does complaining contribute to a solution to the stated problem? In this example, whether they are complaining about abuse, or complaining about the complaints, or finding reasons why it’s exacerbating the situation, it isn’t helping resolve the situation. None of the people in this interaction ever offered ideas on how they could prevent the abuse. And so it continues…

I use this example, but you see it in many areas of discussion: politics, how people raise their children, what someone said. what someone didn’t say, someone’s attitude, ad infinitum

If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. Complaining about something without making an effort to find a resolution is only perpetuating the problem and passing it on to the next person. If you find the need to complain, offer at least one suggestion on what can be done to resolve the circumstances so that the complaint has constructive meaning. Better yet, offer just the suggestion and don’t complain at all. The effect will be the same, without the negativity. At a minimum, you are showing some effort to identify with the problem instead of just making it grow, and you’ll find that people are going to be more willing and inspired to help do something about it.

More importantly, if you can’t offer a way to improve a situation, don’t complain at all. What good does it do to complain about something that can’t be changed? You can complain until you are blue in the face, but it still isn’t going to change anything. You are wasting your energy, and worse yet, you are probably wasting the time of the people who have to listen to it. Maybe it’s better to just learn to live with until you find a way to change it.

This may seem harsh, but it is true. Don’t shove a spoon farther into the garbage disposal, just because you can’t figure out how to get it out. All you’ll have is a ruined spoon, and likely a broken disposal, too! Leave it for someone who is better equipped to fix it.

If nothing else, learning to stay silent until you can find a way to be constructive will turn the energy around for you. When you accept a situation for what it is, rather than fighting it – even if it’s something you don’t like – you tend to have a better attitude, and can adjust to the situation more easily, with less stress. And it might just give your mind the opportunity to open up and be inspired with a way to resolve it after all!

The Law of Attraction works in strange ways. Our world has done a fantastic job figuring out how it works in negative ways. It seems to come to us so naturally. Let’s take that same energy and turn it around so it goes in a positive direction. It takes a little more effort and mindfulness, but when we do, everything changes for the better, even when it doesn’t change at all.

Blessings…

Friday, February 10, 2012

Don’t settle

Hi, it’s me again. I just realized that most of my recent posts, including today’s, have been about holidays. Holidays teach us lessons in many ways, but this blog is about learning every day, so I’m back…

This time I’m writing about being strong in your convictions. So often, we get our shorts in a knot over something someone said or did that rubbed us the wrong way. We have an idea in our head the way things should be, but so often, we set wisdom aside for what is convenient. We let people talk to us badly. We let time slip by without calling our friends and family. We settle for the job we have because it seems too much trouble to find something better. There are so many things we settle for.

How many times have you heard of people who have been mistreated at their jobs (or in their personal lives)? They work for years, and are cast aside in favor of the manager-du-jour (or the “other man/woman”) who comes in, messes everything up, gets paid a fortune, and makes everyone’s life miserable because he or she doesn’t know or care how things should work. It happens over and over again. Sometimes it gets out of hand and they seek legal advice. “Yes. We’ll take them to court, and then they’ll treat us right!” On the other hand, how many people don’t bother, because they are afraid of rocking the boat, or they think they’ll get fired (or abused more) for acting up?

Even when they get the conviction to do something about it, such as taking legal action, the panic kicks in. “They know we’re up to something.” “He’s watching everything I do.” “What are they going to do to us if they find out?” “What if they retaliate?” The fear of the unknown fuels the fire. Sometimes people crack under the pressure. They cancel the legal action, or they go and confess their sins to the ones who have been mistreating them all along, making it easier for the “enemy” to prevail.

Sometimes it’s the money. Suddenly, the lawyers are talking about huge sums of money, and people don’t know how to handle it. They start counting their chickens, not thinking about the few feathers they could end up with when it’s all over. (By the way, when a lawyer is discussing figures with lots of zeroes, you always get to keep the zero part!)

Sometimes it’s the anger. I’ve seen folks lose their jobs (or their relationships) because they were so angry at the way they are treated, that they refused to do anything, instead of going through the proper channels, because it was easier.

So what’s my point? (I do have one, just keep in mind that these examples won’t apply to every situation)
  • First, step back and take a good look at the situation. Ask yourself some serious questions, and give serious answers. Did someone really do something wrong, or did you just take it that way? Are you blowing the situation out of proportion because of your emotions, or is this really a serious situation that needs to be dealt with? Look at the situation through a stranger’s eyes, and think about what you would tell them to do. Be objective and realistic, and not just reacting out of emotions. Emotions distort our sense of reality. If your anger over a situation causes you to ignore your own role in what has happened, reality is going to come crashing around you quickly.
  • Understand your role in what happened. Did you get turned down for a promotion because of nepotism, or because you weren’t living up to your responsibilities in your current role?
  • Pick your poison. Let the little things roll off your back. Save your energy for the big issues. We can’t fight every battle, but if we are being harmed, or subjected to real mistreatment, we shouldn’t take it lying down. Unfortunately, it can be hard to tell what’s big and what isn’t!
  • Stand by your convictions. If you have been mistreated, by a spouse, by an employer, by a friend, whatever, you have the right to stand up for yourself and ask for justice.
  • Get professional help. You can’t always fix things on your own. Find a reliable, respected professional to help you, whether it’s a lawyer, a doctor, the police, a psychiatrist, a plumber – whatever the situation dictates! Rely on the professional to do their job – don’t try to do their job for them.
  • Be honest – with yourself and others. Exaggeration and lies don’t help your cause, or anyone else’s.
  • Don’t back down. Airing dirty laundry is never a comfortable thing, but sometimes that’s the only way to get things cleaned up. If you are in the right, the laws of the universe will be on your side. You might not get everything you want, but if you don’t try, you’ll just get more of what you’ve been getting all along.
  • Know what you want. Are you looking for an apology? Are you looking for what you thought you should have had all along? Are you looking for financial compensation? Are you looking for criminal punishment? A divorce? Is what you are looking for fair and reasonable, or is it simply trying to satisfy your ego? Focus on the circumstances, and what you think is a fair result, and don’t get carried away with the possibilities. In most cases, you can’t have it all, and it isn’t reasonable to expect it. Sometimes a public apology offers much more healing than a bank account full of money for something that gets swept under the rug.
  • Don’t have unreasonable expectations. If you don’t have expectations, you can’t be disappointed. Even if you walk away with nothing, you still have your dignity and you know you gave your best effort. Karma will deal with the rest.
  • Be responsible. You have a responsibility to yourself, and to the situation. Don’t let your actions hurt others or yourself, lest you become the “bad guy.” You wouldn’t want someone else to do that to you. Again, Karma will deal with the rest.
  • Be willing to compromise, within reason. Don’t be stubborn. It isn’t about you. It’s about resolving a wrong action. Being difficult only causes resistance.
  • Act with love, not anger or fear. If you act with love, you can’t cause any more pain than has already been experienced, and it can transmute a situation in your favor. “You catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar!”
  • Forgive. I didn’t say “Be willing to forgive,” or “Try to forgive.” Being willing and doing are entirely different things. Even if someone (including you) can’t see the error of their ways, know that they are learning their lessons in their own way, just like you are. Holding a situation in your heart will only weigh you down. We all grow and progress in our own time, but we always do. Holding the past against someone holds you back with it.
  • Above all, keep an even mind. If you let yourself get wound around the axle over your condition, all you’re going to get is run over, and that isn’t helping anyone.
  • Don’t settle. By this, I don’t mean not to accept a legal settlement. I mean, if you have been mistreated, don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and demand what is best for all concerned. If you are in a harmful situation, the status quo is rarely the best choice. Even if the odds seem against you, at least there are chances. Your chances are zero if you stand by and do nothing, no matter what the situation is.
Blessings…

A time for love…

Happy New Year! Yeah, I know, New Year’s Day was almost 6 weeks ago. So, I haven’t been writing much. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping myself busy. They say nature abhors a vacuum, and even with a recent lull in my busy job, my day is still filled to capacity with one thing or another that needs to be done. And as with any busy activity, sometimes we need to stop and examine where we are and where we need to go.

Next Tuesday is Valentine’s Day. Like Christmas, and a few other occasions, it’s a perfect time for us to step off the treadmill and take a little time for ourselves and the people we love. I think that is why most of us look forward to holidays. It’s a time to regroup and relax, and just be.

A friend who facilitates a healing prayer group on Tuesday nights cancelled his class next week because of Valentine’s Day. He wants the members to spend time with their families and loved ones. What a beautiful gesture! We normally see cancellations because of bad weather or illness, but how often do you see an activity cancelled so you can do something uplifting for yourself? Yes, sending prayers for healing is important, but frankly, you can do that from anywhere, as long as your mind is in the right place. This group has a sense of togetherness, so no matter what is going on, at 7:00 pm Eastern time, every Tuesday, they are together, even if they are all sitting in completely different places! This Tuesday will be no different, except that they will be someplace special, sharing that healing energy of love with someone special.

There is a lesson in this. There really aren’t words to describe the action of giving up an act of love in order to express an even deeper act of love. It’s all love, and it’s all good, and it makes me happy to know that the people I know are in that kind of energy and consciousness! The love they will be sharing is what creates the healing they pray for in the first place, so the result may be even greater than if they had gathered as planned.

So this Tuesday, no matter where you are, or who you are with, remember the gift of love. Share it in an appropriate way with your friends, your family, your significant other, the people in your thoughts and the strangers on the street. We can’t always be where we want to be, but we’re always in the right place. And wherever that is, we have the ability to stop and share a moment of love, peace and healing and send it out to whomever and wherever it is needed.

Set your clocks, your appointment calendar, or your mind to pause for a moment at 7:00 pm on Valentine’s Day. Thank God for the blessings you have, and share that blessing, in your mind or in your actions, with your loved ones and with the world we live in. You will be amazed what this simple effort will accomplish.

Blessings of love….