Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Change is good, even when it doesn’t seem that way

We hear a lot about 2012 and how people expect it to be the end of the world. The world isn’t going to end. It’s just the end of the Mayan calendar. Personally, I think the Mayans got to 2012 and figured it was so far off, that it didn’t really matter whether they kept counting – someone could figure out the rest when it got closer. They were right. How relevant is 2012 to the Mayans?!

But then there are the rest of us, and boy, have some of us whipped ourselves in a frenzy over it. If there is any change at all, I think it will be a shift in consciousness, where we start realizing all of the pain that we have caused our earth, our society and each other and start changing our ways. Wishful thinking? Maybe.

Last night I had a dream. It gave me a glimpse into one possible course of events that could lead to the 2012 that we keep hearing about. Was it a bad dream? Yes, if you believe in “bad.” (I don’t believe in “bad.” Bad is just a low degree of good, and there is good in everything.) Was it unbearable? No. In fact, as negative as the situation seemed in my dream, there was an eerie calm about the whole thing. No panic. Just a realization that a door had opened where people could truly live for each other instead of for themselves.

What was this event? I’m not going to say, because I don’t want to feed that kind of energy or give fodder for anyone else to do so. The dream didn’t deal with the end of the world, but maybe the end of the world as we have come to know it. No more greed and selfishness. Everyone on an equal footing, no matter their former background, their social or financial status, their race, religion or any other way of comparing ourselves so far. All equal. All for one, one for all. Sort of like a metaphysical Noah’s Ark. A symbolic washing away of the untrue and unnecessary, except in this story, everyone gets to go along for the ride.

As I said, the dream was scary in some ways. Relieving, and maybe even refreshing in others. Some would consider this course of events a disaster. But with time, we would all see what a blessing it truly is. No one is physically hurt. No bombs, no earthquakes, no tsunamis. No floods, no frogs, no locusts. Just peace and brotherhood. Oh, most of those other things will likely happen sooner or later. They always do, but that’s another story for another time.

In my dream, I saw what was happening, and immediately got that sinking feeling you get when you realize it’s something big, and there ain’t a thing you can do to stop it. But then you realize what it means as you wait for the calm. And it was calm. Not in a fearful way, but in a peaceful way.
In some ways, I dread that my dream will come true. And in some ways I dread that it won’t. This lopsided world of extremes, with nothing in the middle to hold the ends together, can’t continue to survive as it is. Something’s gotta give. And it very well may. But even if it does, like most situations, good things will come out of it. More than most of us could ever imagine. Was my dream beyond possibility? No. Was it probable? No. But it could realistically happen. Let’s wait and see. And like any “bad” situation, let’s make the best of it if it does!

Blessings.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Mind your own gossip

Life has taught me a lot about the nature of people and their need to understand things, even when it really isn’t something they need to know. Sometimes it’s out of concern, sometimes out of love, sometimes out of sheer nosiness. I recently discovered The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which teaches us how to create and live in our own reality without being dragged down by everyone else’s. One of the things that the book touches on is how toxic gossip is. People get wind of a little tidbit and have an almost uncontrollable urge to share. The juicier the tidbit, the harder it is to leave it alone. Once it is out, it quickly grows a life of its own. It is hurtful and contagious, and can easily pull us in a direction we might not, and probably should not want to go. Many of us feed on it. The more we get, the more we want. Alice Roosevelt Longworth is quoted as saying, “If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me!” Since gossip is usually triggered by an experience that we perceive as negative, it tends to generate even more negative energy as it passes from one host to another, like a computer virus. And like a virus, it spreads quickly.

Let’s say for example that a neighbor loses their home to foreclosure. They have lived there for many years, and suddenly, they are out on the street. Almost immediately, the thoughts start buzzing: Why did it happen? How can the bank do that to them? Why didn’t the person see it coming? Why didn’t they do something to avoid it? Why isn’t their family taking them in? We start looking for answers to questions that, maybe, we shouldn’t be asking. Did they lose their job? Do they have a gambling problem? Do they have problems managing their money? Did they try to hard to look successful when they weren’t? Did they get caught up in a refinancing scheme that caused their payments to balloon beyond reason? Are they having health problems and can’t pay the bills?

We look for fault. We look for blame. We start reading things into the situation that may not even exist. People start talking: “I’ll bet…” or “Did you hear…?” or “I always knew…” or “Can you believe…?” They jump to conclusions, or react with strong emotion, because (1) they empathize with someone they like, (2) they don’t really understand the nuances of what really happened, and (3) they are adding elements of their own judgment based on their limited point of view. People talk. They spread rumors. They don’t check the facts. They assume facts that never existed. They feel like they need to understand that is someone else’s personal business. They take ownership of the situation that isn’t theirs to own.

We also have a tendency to want to take sides in a situation. We want to see things as black and white, when in truth, every situation is a neutral gray. It is the thoughts we put into a situation that force it one way or the other. And gossip doesn’t have to be shared to work its magic. The gossip we create affects our own mind and our own point of view, even if we never share it with anyone else!

The instant gratification of television news and social media has conditioned us to feel like we are entitled to know private details of other people’s lives, even complete strangers. It also encourages us to take sides as a result of the proliferation of personal opinions we hear when a situation occurs. How often do we hear about how online bullying and gossip can ruin people’s reputations and their lives? Why don’t we realize that this is like pouring gasoline on a fire? We react and make judgments that are beyond our responsibility in this life, and we cause undue harm in the process.

There is an expression I have heard many times over the years: When you ASSUME, it makes an “ASS out of U and ME.” There are situations that might make it easier for this to happen. To protect themselves or their family, or to avoid hurting a related party’s reputation, people dealing with an uncomfortable event in their life might be reluctant to discuss the details, or they may choose to describe them generically, intentionally omitting details to avoid creating the wrong impression to someone who wasn’t intimately involved in the situation. Because we tend to see this omission as “hiding something,” it triggers speculation, which leads to more assumptions, more gossip, and more negative energy. It is a vicious cycle.

It is important to remember that unless we know the facts of the situation – not what we think or assume, but what we know because we were directly involved – we are insulated from the real truth. We can’t reach a fair judgement without having been there, or understanding all sides of a situation. Most of us don’t take the time, or even care to dig this deep, and even more often, the parties involved are silent about their private matters, making it that much harder for us to have a true understanding.

So what does this mean? A friend of mine liked to tell people, “mind your business and leave mine alone.” We don’t really need to know. We might want to know, but we don’t need to know. But we can avoid this cycle of negativity. We can show empathy and love without having to know every juicy detail. Yes, the situation happened. Yes there was a reason, whatever it was. And now it is time to heal. Provide encouragement. Provide a hug. Don’t drag someone further into a tailspin because of our own selfish desire to know more.

One of my favorite expressions is “Let Go and Let God.” It means that we don’t need to be bogged down by trying to fix the world’s problems. It doesn’t mean we should ignore them, but we shouldn’t let things we can’t change drive us crazy. We can’t fix someone else’s problems. It is not our position to help unless someone wants our help. It’s okay to offer, if we have intention of genuine concern and love, but let the person accept. Don’t ask questions, just help them with what they want. What is done is done and cannot be changed. We can only move forward. By avoiding taking responsibility for someone else’s experiences, we help that person move forward positively. Getting caught up in someone else’s personal problems doesn’t help anyone, and keeps everyone from getting past it.  We can only take responsibility for out own business, no matter how tempting it is to start taking responsibility for others’.

The Four Agreements teaches ancient wisdom which we can use to maintain a positive attitude and develop true freedom from the difficulties we create in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. If we are careful with our words, we won’t create unnecessary negative energy or harm. If we don’t take situations personally, we can remain impartial and objective, allowing a situation to take its course naturally. If we don’t make assumptions, we avoid misunderstandings and embarrassment. And if we make our best effort in doing these things, we help maintain an even keel in any situation.

So in a nutshell, mind your own business. If we take responsibility for our own problems and let others do the same, things will play out naturally, without unnecessary chaos. If someone has a difficult situation, don’t worry about how they got that way. Just bless them with your love and compassion. If they want your opinion, or to tell you the details, they will. If not, there is a reason for it, and it isn’t our place to push for details or to make up our own to fill the gaps. Act in love, and you create love. Let Go and Let God. And mind your own gossip!

Blessings…

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We can rebuild: A day of remembrance

Most of my posts are inspired by my personal experiences and the lessons I learn from them. While this is personal for me, this blog is about you, and everyone else in our country. Today is September 11, the tenth anniversary of the tragic attacks on our cities. Yes, it’s personal for me, because I had my own experience, but every person in this nation also had an experience of reacting to the unexpected horror of being attacked by man-made missiles full of human lives. In hindsight, there have been far worse tragedies and disasters in history, where many thousands or millions of lives were lost. But this was different. We chose to take personally, because it was an invasion of our space, it happened in our lifetime, and it affected us, in many ways.

Despite the words I am using, I have learned that ten years can heal a lot. While there are bitter memories, it is best to look positively on what we see as a bad situation. Yes, it was tragic. Yes, thousands of people lost their lives and even more lost loved ones. But we have a lot to be grateful for. Today is a day of remembrance. But our focus should not be only on remembering what we lost. We should also remember what we have gained, because that is what takes us forward, instead of getting stuck in the past. So what to we have to be thankful for? Here are a few:
  • It could have been much worse. Yes, two of the largest office building complexes in our country were attacked. But what if it had happened two hours later? The deaths might have been numbered in tens of thousands rather than less than 3,000. It is a blessing that the attacks happened while people were still commuting.
  • Our citizens found a reason to come together as a unified body for the first time in many decades. For a few days, at least, there were no political parties, no griping about the economy or taxes, no judgment about religion or race. We were truly Americans, united. We thought that moment would last forever, and it has. All we need to do is remember it from time to time.
  • We are safer and stronger. Does that mean there won’t be more terrorism? I doubt it, but we have learned to keep our eyes and ears open, and be more vigilant in identifying efforts to produce harm so that it might not happen.
  • Most importantly, we realized that we can survive just about anything. As bad as it was, we did survive. A little bruised, but we survived. We have moved ahead. As we speak, a new tower rises 80 stories above the ruins in New York City, with 30+ more yet to be built. The Pentagon has been restored so beautifully that you can’t tell where the attack took place.
Is this a perfect world? No, it is not. It never was, and it probably never will be, nor should we expect it to be. It is that imperfection that helps us grow and learn every day. But that’s okay. The events of 9/11 remind us that we are here, we have found love in our hearts, and we are ever progressing toward a true spirit of brotherhood. Every challenge we encounter is a lesson that helps us to be wiser and stronger. There will be bumps along the way, but September 11 will always remind us of which direction we are trying to go. We remember it because it is fresh on our minds. Blessings to you and your family, and to the families who lost loved ones on 9/11 or in any other tragedy in history. Ten years ago, we said, “We will rebuild,” and the results instantly began manifesting from that single thought. And look what we have to be thankful for.

And so it is.